06
January

in which i pretend i am a writer

hey! i know it’s been a pretty long time since i updated, and i apologize to all my bots. sunday, january 5, i got to do my friend ivan’s wonderful storytelling show “give me fiction”. we were given about 4 weeks and the assignment to write a piece of fiction inspired by “CHANGE” that would take about ten minutes to read aloud. 

i mostly wasn’t funny (at least on purpose), but think i wrote a pretty decent story. i present to you “pick it up”:

When Officer Bell arrived at Ms. Regina Green’s door, nothing about the walk up to the modest, single story, peaked roof cottage struck him as out of order. Eight panes of glass, four to the left of the door and four to the right, cast a harsh glare courtesy of the morning sun. At least he knew the windows were intact. A well-worn white wooden door was securely fashioned in its brown frame, nestled into the tan stucco exterior. Long stalks of grass sprouted up sporadically between the stones of the walkway, but it was evident from the weeds crawling along the foot of the cottage’s foundation, these were not out of the ordinary, either.

So why a safety check, then? Because she was 88 years old. Because she lived alone. Because she had no family or friends who came or went. Because every morning at sunrise, Reggie rose from her bed, bathed herself thoroughly but quickly, checked the weather on the television, and departed her home dressed accordingly. She would not return until the sun was almost set, and only seemed to travel on foot. But no one who even noticed the sharp halt in Reggie’s ritual thought anything of it. After all, she was 88.

The mail carrier called. It had been two weeks since “Ms. Green” had wrestled open that rusty tin rectangle and retrieved her mail. She had never missed a day, and when Monday became Monday twice, he was on the phone with non-emergency. Non-emergency. They’re alarmed that you’re missing, most definitely, but it’s not urgent-urgent, that’s all. You’re in a bad way, but probably not salvageable. Emergencies have possibility. He told the casual young dispatcher about the now curious pile up of mail and within 20 minutes, Officer Bell was tapping his toes and sighing at Reggie’s door. It was a sleepy town, but this seemed like a joke to the young officer.

so cal: come on out tomorrow, and tell yr friends to come, too!

so cal: come on out tomorrow, and tell yr friends to come, too!

a lil’ less than 3 weeks from now, we’re bringing our magic back to the cinecave. join us, won’t you?

a lil’ less than 3 weeks from now, we’re bringing our magic back to the cinecave. join us, won’t you?

16
June

People are laughing at me: June 2013 Newsletter

check it out!

open mic dinner of champions. life’s just a jar of cherries.  (at Cafe Yesterday)

open mic dinner of champions. life’s just a jar of cherries. (at Cafe Yesterday)

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i’m writing for a new daily blog called “today’s assignment”. my very first assignment was penis size, so here are my thoughts on junk. give us a follow, eh?

todaysassignmentblog:

I don’t know if I’ve ever met a guy who isn’t obsessed with the size of his peen, or perhaps more accurately, the size of his peen relative to other dudes. There are stereotypes about penis size that I needn’t repeat for you to know what I’m talking about. There are cliches about penis size that I also needn’t repeat. The real question is does it matter?

Of fucking course it matters. Now, before you get all paranoid about what you’re packing, let me say that issues with size go both ways. I worry about too big as much as I worry about too small. Because no one ever talks about too big, I’ll start there. If you’re rocking something the size of an infant’s arm, it’s simply impractical. High five on your ability to intimidate dudes in the gym locker room, but for the most part, no one wants that in their body. The main problem with an enormous meat missile is that it doesn’t fit comfortably in ANY hole. I can’t comfortably go down on you, and if I’m not comfortable, you’re not getting the best my purty little mouth has to offer. I am no python, so the fact that you’re 8” long and 2” around isn’t a bonus. It just means my jaw clicks constantly as I try not to suffocate during foreplay. Sure there’s some amount of uncontrollable salivation that might look kind of hot as it drips around your nuts, but it’s probably overridden by the fact that I just scraped off the first few layers of your dick’s epidermis with my bottom teeth. I’m also not going to let you anywhere near my vagina because my mom described giving birth as “shitting a watermelon out the wrong hole,” and I’m pretty sure your enormous wang is way too close to that experience for me to handle. Sex is fun because it feels good, not like I’m being torn in two from the inside out. “It burns” is usually an indication of an infection, not a good time. And I’m not even going to get into anal because Justin has written enough about butts for the two of us combined.

At this point, guys with smaller dicks might be feeling pretty good about themselves. Well don’t get carried away; too small is also a problem. The good news, if you’re trying to fuck me, anyway, is that it has to be mighty tiny for it to be too small. The bad news if you’re trying to fuck me is that I’m happily married and take monogamy pretty seriously. Also, raise your standards. I’m sure you could do better. Back to dicks, though. A comfortable size for a lady of my stature is probably somewhere in the 4”-6” range, with an appropriate girth. Any smaller than 4” and it just doesn’t work. There is nothing worse than wanting to answer “Does that feel good?” with “I didn’t know you were in yet.” Because I am not a monster, I would never say that, but fellas- you better know we definitely think it. My colleague that decided the topic told me of a dude she was with who was working with a package the size of her pinkie finger, which must have been awful. Like hope-you-have-a-sterling-personality-and-do-a-lot-of-volunteer-work-with-underprivileged-kids-or-starving-animals awful. The smaller you get, the more limited you are simply because of human anatomy. Certain positions put so much extra flesh in the way that a 2” dick just can’t make its way to Grand Central Station. 

Look, honestly, you probably don’t have to worry, but if you really want to know how you measure up, go ahead and click the link above. It will take you to a map of average dick size around the world, because that’s what humanity does when granted access to technology.

Tomorrow I am definitely asking a kid for an idea because hopefully I’ll get to write about unicorns or rollerskates, AKA topics I won’t embarrass my mom with.

won a benjamin tonight in tracy with my jokes. go ahead and ignore the fact that my hair is trying to fly away. #jokelife  (at Ye Old Dogs Steakhouse)

won a benjamin tonight in tracy with my jokes. go ahead and ignore the fact that my hair is trying to fly away. #jokelife (at Ye Old Dogs Steakhouse)

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courtingcomedy:

5/17. Fun Times with Friends @ Lost Weekend Video. 1034 Valencia St. SF. 8PM. $10. Featuring Ron Chapman, Aly Jones, Scott Simpson, Brandon Stokes, Greg Brown and Shelby Fero.
yourmonkeycalled:

Next Friday! Fun Show / Party = Sharty! 
You should come huh! (It’s a small venue; I recommend calling to reserve a space.)
Killer poster and website by Brad / Jessie / Patrick. Thanks nerds! 

courtingcomedy:

5/17. Fun Times with Friends @ Lost Weekend Video. 1034 Valencia St. SF. 8PM. $10. Featuring Ron Chapman, Aly Jones, Scott Simpson, Brandon Stokes, Greg Brown and Shelby Fero.

yourmonkeycalled:

Next Friday! Fun Show / Party = Sharty! 

You should come huh! (It’s a small venue; I recommend calling to reserve a space.)

Killer poster and website by Brad / Jessie / Patrick. Thanks nerds! 

big ups to these two carrying on a business meeting during an open mic without showing even a hint of distraction. your ability to ignore our jokes is inspiring. (at Cafe Yesterday)

big ups to these two carrying on a business meeting during an open mic without showing even a hint of distraction. your ability to ignore our jokes is inspiring. (at Cafe Yesterday)

stepped out to get lunch and was immediately drawn to this classy son of a gun on a minivan parked outside school.

stepped out to get lunch and was immediately drawn to this classy son of a gun on a minivan parked outside school.