i’m writing for a new daily blog called “today’s assignment”. my very first assignment was penis size, so here are my thoughts on junk. give us a follow, eh?
I don’t know if I’ve ever met a guy who isn’t obsessed with the size of his peen, or perhaps more accurately, the size of his peen relative to other dudes. There are stereotypes about penis size that I needn’t repeat for you to know what I’m talking about. There are cliches about penis size that I also needn’t repeat. The real question is does it matter?
Of fucking course it matters. Now, before you get all paranoid about what you’re packing, let me say that issues with size go both ways. I worry about too big as much as I worry about too small. Because no one ever talks about too big, I’ll start there. If you’re rocking something the size of an infant’s arm, it’s simply impractical. High five on your ability to intimidate dudes in the gym locker room, but for the most part, no one wants that in their body. The main problem with an enormous meat missile is that it doesn’t fit comfortably in ANY hole. I can’t comfortably go down on you, and if I’m not comfortable, you’re not getting the best my purty little mouth has to offer. I am no python, so the fact that you’re 8” long and 2” around isn’t a bonus. It just means my jaw clicks constantly as I try not to suffocate during foreplay. Sure there’s some amount of uncontrollable salivation that might look kind of hot as it drips around your nuts, but it’s probably overridden by the fact that I just scraped off the first few layers of your dick’s epidermis with my bottom teeth. I’m also not going to let you anywhere near my vagina because my mom described giving birth as “shitting a watermelon out the wrong hole,” and I’m pretty sure your enormous wang is way too close to that experience for me to handle. Sex is fun because it feels good, not like I’m being torn in two from the inside out. “It burns” is usually an indication of an infection, not a good time. And I’m not even going to get into anal because Justin has written enough about butts for the two of us combined.
At this point, guys with smaller dicks might be feeling pretty good about themselves. Well don’t get carried away; too small is also a problem. The good news, if you’re trying to fuck me, anyway, is that it has to be mighty tiny for it to be too small. The bad news if you’re trying to fuck me is that I’m happily married and take monogamy pretty seriously. Also, raise your standards. I’m sure you could do better. Back to dicks, though. A comfortable size for a lady of my stature is probably somewhere in the 4”-6” range, with an appropriate girth. Any smaller than 4” and it just doesn’t work. There is nothing worse than wanting to answer “Does that feel good?” with “I didn’t know you were in yet.” Because I am not a monster, I would never say that, but fellas- you better know we definitely think it. My colleague that decided the topic told me of a dude she was with who was working with a package the size of her pinkie finger, which must have been awful. Like hope-you-have-a-sterling-personality-and-do-a-lot-of-volunteer-work-with-underprivileged-kids-or-starving-animals awful. The smaller you get, the more limited you are simply because of human anatomy. Certain positions put so much extra flesh in the way that a 2” dick just can’t make its way to Grand Central Station.
Look, honestly, you probably don’t have to worry, but if you really want to know how you measure up, go ahead and click the link above. It will take you to a map of average dick size around the world, because that’s what humanity does when granted access to technology.
Tomorrow I am definitely asking a kid for an idea because hopefully I’ll get to write about unicorns or rollerskates, AKA topics I won’t embarrass my mom with.